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- To be a better lover, ask your partner lots of questions about what they like and what turns them on.
- You can also build excitement throughout the day by sexting or touching them suggestively.
- It's also helpful to try new things in the bedroom like adding toys or exploring kinks.
- Visit Insider's Health Reference library for more advice.
Whether you're brand new to sex or if you've been having sex for decades, there's always room for improvement.
If you're feeling self-conscious about your abilities in bed or just looking to amp up the pleasure for your partner, there are plenty of things you can do to become a better lover, many of which are super simple.
Here are 10 sex-therapist-approved tips to be a better lover in bed.
1. Lose your insecurities
While it's easier said than done, losing your insecurities can help you be a better lover. Many people get self-conscious in bed, and this can take you away from being present with a partner, says Nazanin Moali, PhD, clinical psychologist and certified sex therapist at Oasis2Care.
In order to provide the most pleasure (and experience the most pleasure), it's crucial to stay present. Sexual insecurities can create frustration in bed, which can kill arousal and distract you, says Moali.
Working with a sex therapist is a great way to deal with your insecurities in the bedroom and work towards boosting your sexual self esteem.
2. Be curious about your partner's pleasure
Everyone is different, with a unique set of sexual preferences and acts that bring them pleasure.
"There is no one right way to touch or pleasure a partner, despite the cultural myth that if you have the correct set of knowledge you can make anybody orgasm. You have to learn about each partner from what they choose to reveal to you and what they teach you about their pleasure through the experiences shared together," says Indigo Stray Conger, LMFT, certified sex therapist at Mile High Psychotherapy.
For example, Conger suggests that you ask your partner:
- What turns them on
- What their most erotic moments have been
- What their favorite porn is (and if you can watch it with them and observe how they masturbate)
3. Focus on your own pleasure, too
Of course you want to focus on pleasuring your partner in bed, but that doesn't mean you should forget about your own pleasure.
"For most people, one of the biggest turn-ons is their partner being turned-on and feeling pleasure. That kind of energy feeds off itself and builds exponentially until everyone is having a good time and a great orgasm," says Conger.
Be sure to keep the line of communication open and ensure that both of you are feeling great during sex.
4. Build excitement and anticipation
Emotional "foreplay" can start way before your sex session. Instead of viewing foreplay as just the physical acts minutes before sex, Moali suggests looking at foreplay as something that starts hours beforehand on the day of sex, even if it's just emotional foreplay.
Depending on you and your partners' preferences, Moali says some ways to do this are:
- Making suggestive touches throughout the day
- Leaving sexy notes or letters around the house
- Sexting
Building excitement and anticipation long before you hop into bed can help to enhance the experience and thrill your partner.
5. Understand you and your partner's "erotic blueprint"
Erotic blueprints can help you understand what turns you and your partner on, and how the two of you can compromise to meet each other's needs. You can take an online quiz to determine which of the five blueprint types you are, and ask your partner to do the same.
Two examples are "sensual," meaning you are most turned on when you're having a full body experience with your senses engaged and "sexual" which means you're most turned on by genetalia and sex itself.
"Understanding what exactly turns you on and gets you off and how your erotic blueprint differs from or matches your partner's can enhance your ability to show up for sex in a more meaningful way," says Conger.
6. Slow down
When it comes to foreplay, take your time. "Most couples benefit from slowing down. It's about really taking time to savor each other's touches and spending enough time to build arousal," says Moali.
The more aroused both of you are before intercourse begins, the better. Then, when it comes to sex itself, don't be afraid to slow down there as well. The goal should be to please each other and savor in the sex, not to rush through it.
Plus, foreplay such as oral sex can increase your chances of orgasm. A 2016 study found a positive correlation between frequency of oral sex and frequency of orgams in females during intercourse, even the frequency of multiple orgasms.
Additionally, research has shown that the likelihood of orgasm increases with increased quality and duration of foreplay.
7. Be attuned to both verbal and non-verbal cues
Plenty of communication happens during sex, even without words being spoken. Moali says that instead of focusing on your own expectations of what sex "should" look like, you should be present with what's going on right in front of you.
For example, listening to your partner's moans and watching and feeling how their body reacts to certain types of touches can help you better understand what they like or don't like.
Of course, you'll want to listen and react to any direct verbal communication from your partner, as well.
8. Bring novelty into the bedroom
Many times, especially in long-term relationships, people have a certain routine with their sexual behavior, and they may be doing the same thing for years and years, which can lead to sexual boredom and disconnect, Moali says.
To combat or prevent this boredom, bring novelty to the bedroom and switch things up. Some ways you can do this are by:
- Having sex in a different room than usual
- Trying different kinds of foreplay
- Incorporating sensory play
- Exploring kinks
- Acting out fantasies
- Using sex toys
- Trying different sex positions
9. Don't be afraid to add toys
On top of adding novelty to the bedroom, using sex toys such as vibrators can help — especially if you have a vagina.
Vibrators can stimulate certain erogenous zones that a penis can't like the clitoris, which can help you achieve orgasm.
In fact, a 2017 study found that 36.6% of women need direct clitorial stimulation in order to orgasm during penetrative sex.
"A vibrating cock ring or small vibrator can increase the frequency and intensity of orgasm, and not just for women. Male bodies respond well to vibration, too," says Conger.
10. Stay healthy
In this context, the goal of staying healthy isn't about improving your physique — it's to be a better lover and to experience more pleasure, yourself.
"Healthy overall choices will go a long way toward boosting sexual confidence and can also improve your stamina," says Conger.
You want to be able to go at it for several minutes without getting winded so you can please your partner and yourself.
Cutting back on tobacco, alcohol, and other drugs can also help improve your circulation and stamina, Conger says.
Insider's takeaway
With communication, a willingness to learn, practice, and an open mind, anyone can become great in bed.
Don't be afraid to openly talk about sex with your partner so you can make sure you're meeting their wants and needs – and so they can meet yours.
Give these tips a try with your partner and get ready to blow them away.
Sex therapists share 10 bona fide ways to be better in bed
Source: Kalayaan News
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